


Everything Here Makes Me Miss You

by Misscoffeedependant



Category: Warrior Nun (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/F, Post-War
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-13
Updated: 2020-11-13
Packaged: 2021-03-10 06:20:34
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,659
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27539773
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Misscoffeedependant/pseuds/Misscoffeedependant
Summary: London. The one place Beatrice tried so hard to escape from. And now she's back, but she can't shake the feeling that she wasn't meant to return. At least, not without Ava.or the one where Bea sets off on a journey to find herself and ends up in her home country but without the person who feels like home.
Relationships: Sister Beatrice/Ava Silva
Comments: 11
Kudos: 149





	Everything Here Makes Me Miss You

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by the song "London" by Mokita
> 
> And here's a playlist that was on repeat while I was writing this for anyone who's into that:
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/playlist/4a3X6TVkjhDcfugdvd4Kh0?si=IOYlDFPsSCKGSWTTV4aphw

Beatrice didn’t know how she had ended up in London. For the past two months she actively avoided coming here. But all of a sudden there was a tugging in her heart that she couldn’t avoid anymore, and the next thing she knew she was on a plane to Heathrow. She knew why she was here, she just didn’t want to acknowledge it, because if she did it would give it power over her. But there was a constant reminder of _why_ sitting in her pocket. 

The war with Adriel was over. After months of tracking and countless battles, it was finally over. How they all made it out alive was beyond any of them, some would say it was a miracle. But it had come at a cost. It had left scars, both physically and mentally. None of them would ever be the same after this, they would just learn how to live with it instead, a constant reminder that they were alive. 

The OCS decided to rebrand. It was hard to hide the fact that there was a secret sect of warrior nuns fighting demons, but with Adriel gone and the wraith demons all returned to their own realm, the world didn’t want to see the skills and talents of the OCS go to waste. So they started doing international “humanitarian” work. Just taking down your casual human trafficking rings, drug cartels, sercuring nuclear weapons, just your averge job. Ava liked to call them “Charlie’s Nun’s”, much to everyone's annoyance.

It wasn't much different to what they used to do: fight the bad guys, secure the target, save the world. Except this time, all the evil wasn't the doing of demons, it was these peoples' willing choice, nothing forced them to do the terrible crimes they commited. It didn't sit well with Beatrice. All her life she had known about good and evil, it was taught by the church, it was shown in movies and TV shows, and when she arrived at the OCS she associated evil with demons that she forgot there were some truly bad people in the world. Those who willingly hurt people, who wanted to destroy the world, who would do anything for personal gain, with no external influence. That was who they were on the inside. And it made Beatrice start to think, who was she? Outside of the world of the church, the OCS, good and evil, who was she?

For years Beatrice dedicated herself to either something or someone else. She was the perfect student, hid parts of herself to play the perfect daughter. She became the best fighter, and became indispensable to the OCS. Beatrice couldn’t remember the last time she didn’t follow orders, took some time for herself, let herself be selfish. She had given herself to others for so long, she didn’t know who she was on her own. Who was she outside of the perfect student, the perfect daughter, the perfect soldier? So one cold morning, she slipped out of the comfort of her bed, past the doors to the church she had called home for so long, and slipped into the night for the first time as herself, whoever she may be. 

At first she wandered around, bought a ticket to the first place on the list of departing flights. She went a week in Portugal exploring the beaches, learning to surf, and just enjoying the salty air. With every wave that crashed along the shore, a tiny part of her would relax. Then she spent time hiking in the French Alps, and with every step, her mind cleared a little bit more. She fell in love with skiing again in the Swiss Alps, and with every turn she became more free, unbound. In the Italian countryside she learned to cook from the local _nonnas_ , in Berlin the locals taught her how to drink, and she learnt she couldn’t stand the taste of beer. In Greece she explored the islands and ruins, and learnt the story of soulmates. Plato once said “ _according to Greek mythology, humans were originally created with four arms, four legs and a head with two faces. Fearing their power, Zeus split them into two separate parts, condemning them to spend their lives in search of their other halves.”_ She learnt as a whole, humans were fearless and strong, and even dared to threaten the Gods. But apart, they were sad and yearned to be whole again. And she couldn’t help but think of the ball of chaotic energy that stumbled into her world that made her feel whole again. That she had left behind. That she left a note saying goodbye. That she had refused to believe she deserved to be loved by...that she was aching to go back to. 

\\\\\

The afternoon sun was softly streaming through the bedroom window, a cool spring breeze filling the room. It was a rare afternoon that both Beatrice and Ava had off, and they had decided to spend it alone. Sprawled across Beatrice's bed, Ava had found her favourite spot on Beatrice’s chest, while Beatrice idly ran her hand through her hair. She had once asked Ava why she always ended up in that same spot when they cuddled and Ava replied with, “Because it sounds like home,” like it is the simplest answer in the world. Beatrice loved moments like this, there was no need to speak, they just relished in the comfort of each other. 

For months it was quick glances, lingering touches and soft smiles, but nothing more was to come. Ava didn’t see her anymore than a friend. There wasn’t a chance that someone as wild and carefree and open would fall for someone like her. Closed off, by the book, flawed. She couldn’t help but think back to the words her parents spat in her face before she was shipped off to boarding school.

“Unnatural.”

“Disgusting.”

“Would never be perfect.”

“No one would love you as you are.”

For years, those words rang loud in her mind, haunting her dreams and the driving force that made her who she was now. Every barrier that was put up, every friendship held at arm's length, every minute devoted to training, those words lingered in the back of her mind. But when Ava barreled into her life with all her jokes, and puns, and pranks, they quietened down. For a while Beatrice forgot about them. Her mind was filled with Ava’s laughter instead, her heart filled with warmth from Ava’s smile. And for a moment she believed she deserved love. But then the sudden reality of the church and vows crashed down upon her. She couldn’t have this, she didn’t deserve someone like Ava, and as much as she tried to hold Ava at arm’s length like everyone else, she kept getting drawn back to her. It was like there was an invisible string tying them together and the second Beatrice got a moment of spare time, her feet were carrying her towards Ava. But she didn’t have the heart to cut that string. As much as it hurt her, she could never have Ava more than a friend; as much as she craved to be constantly by her side, to hold her hand, to pull her close, to even kiss her one day, it could never happen. She had the church, the OCS, and her vows that she dedicated most of her life to, a life that she was thrown into. Could she really throw away everything that she lived and breathed for so many years for just one girl? But was Ava really just one girl?

“Bea?” Ava’s voice pulled Beatrice out of her trance. 

“Yeah?”

“What are you thinking about?” Ava lifted her head and looked at the nun with concerned eyes, her brows scrunching together and all Beatrice wanted to do was run her finger between them to make it disappear. But she can’t. Just friends. That’s all she wanted. Right?

“Ah nothing, nothing important.”

Ava raised an eyebrow giving her a knowing look. “Don’t lie Bea. I could hear your heartbeat pick up.” Stupid heart giving her away. 

Beatrice cleared her throat and shook her head. “What do you want to do when this is all over?” she asked, hoping to change the topic. This was her internal battle, she didn’t need Ava to be burdened by it on top of everything else. Ava gave her a look, let out a defeated sigh and laid her head back on Beatrice’s chest. 

Ava idly played with Beatrice’s habit as she thought what she would do first.

After a couple minutes she broke the silence. “I want to travel, see places I’ve only seen on TV and in movies.”

“Like where?”

Ava’s eyes lit up like she had been allowed anything from a candy shop. “I know you grew up there and that you probably don’t find it that exciting, but I want to go to London! I want to see it all! I know there is no such thing as platform 9 ¾ but at least I can pretend, you know?”

As Ava went on listing all the places she had seen in movies and TV shows she wanted to visit, Beatrice couldn’t help but think what it would be like to see her home city through the eyes of Ava.

For Beatrice, it was where she grew up. It was associated with being shown off at endless dinners with her parents business partners, staying home because she didn’t have friends to go out with, and hiding parts of herself to fit in. It wasn’t a fun city to be explored but a city holding memories of her childhood she had hoped to keep hidden away. 

But she didn’t tell Ava that, she didn’t want to shatter Ava’s excitement of exploring a new city.

“That sounds amazing,” Beatrice said, trying not to give away her aversion to the city. “I can give you a list of places to visit if you would like?”

Ava suddenly reached over her to grab Beatrice’s phone. 

“What are you doing?” She looked down and saw Ava open up the notes app and write _“Bea and Ava’s London Trip”_.

“Making a list of everything I want _us_ to do when we go.” 

\\\\\

Beatrice didn’t know what she expected to feel when she finally saw the city she hadn’t stepped in for almost a decade. Maybe sadness, anger, regret? What she didn’t expect was to feel empty and lonely. For almost three months of travelling alone, not once she felt _lonely_. Maybe it was because she knew she was supposed to be here with someone else? She was supposed to come back here and make new memories with someone else, to replace the unhappy ones of her childhood with ones filled with warmth and joy, and dare she say love? Love? She wanted to love so badly but her vows still stayed in her way. 

Instead here she stood in Trafalgar Square, number 15 on the list, watching tourists stand about taking photos. It was a beautiful day, blue skies and not a cloud in sight, despite it being almost Christmas. The Trafalgar Christmas tree had been lit the week before and now had drawn in crowds of people hoping to take a peek at the giant tree. Beatrice couldn’t help but smile, picturing Ava’s eyes lighting up at the tree, chasing the pigeons and climbing over the giant lion statues, probably begging Beatrice to take a photo of her. Ava would probably make up some names for them with some extravagant back story, while Beatrice would casually drop a fun fact like how they were supposed to be made of stone or granite instead of bronze. 

As Beatrice looked across the square, watching the children chase pigeons, people posing with the lions, and tourist groups being guided along, she saw a flash of familiar light brown hair that she had to do a double take. Beatrice craned her neck trying to find the girl again but she was long gone, and probably was not who she hoped it was. 

Beatrice closed her eyes and took a deep breath, trying to calm her heart down. Ava was back in Spain, she was with the OCS. Ava was back where she had left her and the regret started to build back up again. What was Beatrice doing back here if there was nothing here for her? 

She shook her head trying to dissipate the thought. It was the holidays, it wasn’t a time for self pity. Maybe a change in scenery would help clear her mind, so she stood up, brushed off her pants and headed towards the Underground. 

Number 1 on the list.

For some reason Ava was so adamant on riding the Underground, or the “Tube” as she was so determined on calling it. 

“Bea! It's a train! That runs underground! And they call it the Tube!” And when Beatrice had tried to explain that many cities had networks similar to the London Underground, it fell on deaf ears. 

Beatrice looked up at the display and realised she had a couple minutes to spare before her train arrived. She pulled out her phone and pulled up the most recent photo she had taken. It was the Christmas tree standing in all of its glory in the middle of Trafalgar square. She had promised Mary she would check in every couple of days to prove that she was alive, but Beatrice was hesitant this time to send the photo. She knew it would eventually get back to Ava that she had made it to London, and she couldn’t bear to think of the look of betrayal on Ava’s face when she found out. But if she didn’t send the photo, Mary would most likely send a search party out for her. Beatrice let out a defeated sigh before typing _“Still Alive - Beatrice xx”_ and hesitantly hitting send as the train pulled up in front of her. The doors opened and as Beatrice stepped into the carriage, she saw a flash of light brown hair and a familiar coat, the coat she bought for Ava one winter, leaving the next carriage down. But before Beatrice could step off again the doors had closed and all Beatrice could do was watch the familiar silhouette walk away. 

And for the second time that day, she had to calm her aching heart and remind herself that Ava was back in Spain, no matter how much that girl looked like her. Mary would have said something if Ava had left Cat’s Cradle. 

Ten minutes later Beatrice walked out from Camden Town Station and let her feet walk the familiar streets towards the Camden Market. She often visited the Market when she still lived in London, and it became one of the rare places she actually had fond memories of. Whenever her parents were away on a business trip she would catch the train and spend the day exploring the market. It was a beautiful place, a maze of narrow corridors and old brick buildings. But at Christmas it became something magical. Christmas lights stretched from wall to wall twinkling against the quickly darkening skies and lighting up the endless stalls that filled the cobblestone streets in a warm glowing light. Trees decorated to the dime tucked away into any corner that was free, each standing tall and proudly adorned with tinsel and colourful lights. The smell of street food from around the world mixed with the spices of mulled wine and the sweetness of hot chocolates, and the occasional smell of baked goods wafted by. Somewhere in the distance a band was playing Christmas tunes, where a crowd had gathered and children carefreely danced. There was also a pop up ice rink where the sound of laughter and yelps filled the air as people slipped and tripped on the ice while the DJ pumped even more Christmas songs.

Beatrice couldn’t help the small smile that appeared as she walked the familiar corridors, passing stalls filled with handmade knicks and knacks that made the perfect stocking stuffers. Children ran past her giggling with Santa hats on their heads and the remnants of hot chocolates smeared around their mouths. She took a sip of the spiced apple cider she had bought earlier and snuggled deeper into her scarf. Despite it being ridiculously cold, the market was still brimming with people. Parents with their children, promising to see Santa soon, groups of friends enjoying a night out together, and couples holding hands buried into each other's sides not noticing the rest of the world go by. And suddenly the warmth that had originally filled her heart was replaced with the cold grasp of regret. She should be here with someone. Not someone, with Ava. And Beatrice knew Ava would love it here, she could picture her sporting an ugly Christmas sweater under her coat because, “ _You have to get into the spirit, Bea!”_ and running from stall to stall wanting to try all the food and every type of hot chocolate available. But Beatrice couldn’t help but think back to the last hours she had spent with her.

\\\\\

The bedroom door flew open, startling Beatrice and in barged Ava, a whirlwind of emotions. Beatrice knew it was only a matter before the Warrior Nun heard the news. 

“You’re leaving??” Ava asked desperately. Beatrice didn’t have the courage to turn around and face her yet, she couldn’t bear to see the hurt that she could already hear in Ava’s voice. 

“Not for forever Ava, I’ll come back,” she replied gently, hoping to not give away how much it hurt her to have this conversation. 

“Why? Why are you leaving?” Ava continued, refusing to let Beatrice go without a fight. “Everything is great, we defeated Adriel, we’re all alive and safe. Why are you leaving me now when we can be happy??” Beatrice's breath caught in her throat, Ava said _me_ , not _us_. Her heart pounded against her chest, threatening to burst out and go to the other girl who it undoubtedly belonged to. But she couldn’t give it to her, at least not yet. 

“I need to go Ava, I have some things to work out,” Beatrice replied, trying to keep her voice calm. It took everything within her to not drop her plans and stay here with Ava, but Beatrice needed this trip, she needed to work out everything. 

“Bea, please look at me,” Ava practically begged, and Beatrice couldn’t help but turn around. And she saw an Ava that looked so small, her eyes pleading for her to stay, her hands held tightly together against her chest that almost looked like she was praying. 

“Bea,” her voice was so quiet, so desperate, “Why can’t you do that here? Talk to me, please, let me help.” As much as Beatrice wanted to stay here with Ava she couldn’t. 

“I can’t.” The way Ava’s face fell just that little bit more broke Beatrice’s heart. “Because it involves the OCS and the church…” She took a deep breath and finally whispered, “...and you.”

Ava’s hands dropped slightly, and confused she asked, “And me?”

“Yes you,” Beatrice finally confessed, “You make me feel things I haven’t felt in so long and it's conflicting with everything I’ve worked for and I don’t know what to do with them.” It was suddenly like a weight had been lifted off of her shoulders, it was finally all out in the open. 

“Oh.”

“Ava, I promise I will be back, and we’ll talk then. I just need to figure it all out before we can.”

“Okay…” Ava trailed off, her eyes staring at the floor as she tried to process everything. 

“Okay?” Beatriced whispered back hesitantly. She had practically told Ava she liked her, assuming the other girl also experienced whatever was happening between them over the past few months. What if she had completely misread it all?

“Okay,” Ava said back confidently, looking back at Beatrice. “I’ll be here, I’ll wait for you.” Beatrice let out a breath of relief that she didn’t know she was holding. All of a sudden Ava’s demeanor shifted and she asked shyly, “Can I stay the night with you?”

“Of course. Always.” Beatrice was glad Ava had asked, because she wanted to spend as much time with her as she could before she left. She knew she needed to go on this trip on her own, to find out who she was outside of the OCS and the church, and who she wanted to become. And she had to know that whatever decisions she ended up making was hers, and hers alone. 

That night Ava was tucked under Beatrice’s chin, her head laying against her favourite spot in the world and Beatrice savoured the moment, trying to commit it to memory. This was what she wanted to come back to, but was she ready to give up everything that made up her life for the past 8 years in order to have it? In order to be happy and loved?

When Beatrice slipped out of bed the next morning before the sun had even begun to rise, she placed a gentle kiss on Ava's head and whispered, “I want to be able to love you,” almost like a promise. She couldn’t bear to go through the goodbye, so Beatrice left a note, picked up her bag and silently slipped out of the room into the dark cold corridors of the church that she had called home for so long. Outside Mary was waiting for her, leaning against an OCS car and greeted her with a “You ready?”. All Beatrice could give back was a nod as she got into the car and as they drove away with Cat’s Cradle disappearing behind them, Beatrice couldn’t but wonder if she was doing the right thing to leave Ava behind. The two girls sat in silence on the drive to the airport, like there was a mutual understanding and respect for why Beatrice was doing this. As Beatrice stepped out of the car Mary finally spoke again. 

“I hope you find the answer you’re looking for.” And so did Beatrice, she hoped to get more answers than questions from this trip. They agreed for Beatrice to send Mary a message and a picture to make sure she was safe. As Beatrice walked away, she realised one last thing and turned to see the window already rolled down and Mary’s head sticking out. 

“I’ll make sure to take care of her.” 

\\\\\

Someone’s laugh pulled Beatrice out of her head and she narrowly missed spilling her drink on a couple as they walked past and she couldn’t help but stare at their hands held together. Her heart tugged at the thought of doing that with Ava one day, how it would feel to have Ava’s hand in hers, their bodies pressed against each other trying to keep the cold away, how cute Ava would look under all the lights, with her cheeks and nose rosy from the cold and her eyes wide from the endless sweets available to her. And the cold grip of regret tightened around her heart. She should have been here with Ava. 

She couldn’t deny or push away the feelings she had for Ava any longer, she wanted to love her wholly and freely and with all that she could give. And she knew Ava also felt whatever was happening between them no matter how much she tried to deny it. She pretended for so long to not see it but Beatrice noticed. She noticed Ava would half phase into the floor when she gave Ava an unexpected smile. She noticed how Ava always tried to keep at least one point of physical contact, that she was happiest whenever she was with Beatrice, that she would always seek out Beatrice in a crowd. That the Halo glow would only glow for her. 

Beatrice had been selfless her whole life, she had given so much time, and effort to others, whether it was her parents, her studies, the OCS or the church. She had put them first and herself last because that was the selfless thing to do, it was for the greater good, but at what cost? 

She had given up her childhood and teenage years, friendships, happiness and now love? Did she not deserve to live? To be happy? To be able to love whomever she pleased and in turn, to be loved for who she was beyond the perfect daughter and prized warrior? The OCS rebranded and wasn’t a religious organisation anymore, they didn’t report to the church anymore. She had heard of other girls revoking their vows, so why couldn’t she do the same? After all these years of being selfless, didn’t she deserve to be selfish for once? To be able to live life how she wanted to? She wanted to be happy and wanted to live for herself, and Beatrice knew she wanted Ava by her side along the way. 

Beatrice spent the rest of the week continuing to explore London.

Number 7 Westminster Abbey, number 8 King’s Cross to see the Platform 9 ¾ sign, number 9 ride the London Eye, number 5 eat fish and chips out of newspaper, number 17 see Big Ben.

With everything she ticked off the list Beatrice felt more guilty, wanting Ava to be here with her every step of the way. Maybe it was in her head because she felt too guilty, or maybe she had somehow manifested it because of how badly she wanted it to happen, but Beatrice swore she saw Ava wherever she went. It happened in line to ride the London Eye, she saw a glimpse of her at Buckingham Palace, at a cafe near Hyde Park, but every time Beatrice looked back again she was gone, and every time Beatrice couldn’t help but feel disappointed.

It was a sunny day when Beatrice sent the next photo to Mary. She was sitting outside a cafe overlooking the river Thames. She sent a photo of Westminster Bridge and Big Ben towering behind it with the caption “missing home.” Maybe it was time to go home, to start living the life she wanted.

Over the course of the past couple months, despite the internal battle she had over what she was going to do next, she did feel lighter. She had started to do things for herself, and started to learn to put herself first. She visited museums and galleries, went hiking and climbing and skiing. And along the way she learnt more about herself. She learnt she enjoyed doing whatever she wanted to do, she learnt that she didn’t like being alone despite putting up all those walls for so many years and keeping at a distance. She learnt she loved practicing speaking different languages, but she missed having someone to make silly puns with. She learnt that she liked being spontaneous, choosing the next country randomly, but she would rather have certain someone by her side while she did it. She learnt that she was ready to love Ava, and wanted to be selfish. It was time for her to let herself to love freely, to let herself deserve the love that was given to her in the form that was Ava. She was ready to be whole again like how Plato had described. 

And as she started to type a message to Mary that she had found her answer and that she was coming home, a shadow of a person leaned over her. Before she could even lift her head to see who the shadow belonged to, her heart instantly pounded against her chest, the feeling all too familiar, and a familiar scent that she memorised after so many nights holding each other hit her. 

“Ava?”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Drop a kudos and comment if you like it, you hate it, or if you spot any mistakes!


End file.
